Dawn Is Me

I’ve finally figured it out.

I figured out why my marriage failed.

I’ve known all along that, while it would be really easy to think that Baker is just too neurotic to be married to, it wasn’t all him.

Well, it was but … well, let me explain.

I’m watching him with his fiancee — well, I’m not really. He is keeping that very private and I’m not really interested. But he is also making overtures toward developing some kind of relationship with his youngest son.

Developing a relationship with his youngest son has proved to be an easy thing for him, fortunately. They can speak gamer at each other and play Mafia Wars together. Baker is even encouraging said fiancee to reach out to said youngest son.

So, why was he able to successfully mend his fences with Ricky when he batted out with both his daughters?

If you were to ask him, he would probably tell you that it’s because I turned them against him.

But the real culprit here is … nobody.

Ricky is undemanding. That’s why he can get along with his dad.

Neither Gina nor Kimmie are undemanding. Au contraire, as a matter of fact.

Gina and Kimmie were not okay with him constantly breaking his promises to them.

Gina eventually got disgusted with him for playing stupid power games with her.

Kimmie cannot forgive him for abandoning her when she needed him to protect her.

Gina needed her father to acknowledge that she is a competent adult now, and not a precocious 8-year-old.

Kimmie needed her father to acknowledge that he was wrong about her and that she didn’t deserve how people (including him) were treating her back then.

I could go on but I think you get the point.

Ricky has needs, too. He needs a reasonably decent role model. He is not going to find it in his father. But Ricky doesn’t know that yet and I don’t know if it’s going to matter to him any time soon.

Besides, I expect I can provide him with a few much better role models, so that he has a bit more to work with. Or at least, so that he can make a few comparative studies and have behavioral options.

But that’s why my marriage failed. I am not undemanding, either.

I needed my husband to behave as if I mattered to him.

I needed my husband to behave as if I was attractive to him.

I needed my husband to behave as if he was interested in his offspring.

I’m just unreasonable that way.

It’s probably a good thing for Ricky to have a good relationship with his father and his new wife.

But I can understand why it pisses Kimmie off.

Today, I traveled a little over 20 miles with my youngest son and his alto saxophone in order for him to participate in the New York State School Music Association (NYSSMA) solo festival.

He performed there (solo: The Hunter’s Chorus, scales and sightreading) before a single judge and he did very, very well. In fact, he scored 27 out of 28 points, earning an Outstanding rating.

Mom was right beside him for as much of the performance as she was able — they kicked me out during the sightreading segment of the performance — because that’s what Moms do, isn’t it?

We’re there for the band performances and the chorus performances and the NYSSMA solos and the All County Festivals. We’re there for the school plays and the parent-teacher conferences and the IEP meetings. We go to the honors ceremonies and the games and the graduations.

We support and encourage. We beam with pride at their accomplishments. And we’re there to offer a hug and a chocolate milkshake after the team suffers that knuckle-biting loss.

We have full dance cards.

I’m an old hand at all this, of course. Richard is the youngest of four. I’ve already watched two of them graduate from high school; next year, I’m looking forward to watching the first college graduation.

But one of the neatest things about being a Mom is when the shoe is on the other foot.

I got to live that last week. Two days before my trip with my youngest son, I took a different trip with my two daughters. They sat in the audience and cheered me on when I received the Lewis Henry Morgan Award in Anthropology (awarded to the first-year Anthropology major with the highest GPA) during the Honors Convocation at Hartwick College.

I don’t know if they ‘get’ this or not but having them there meant everything.

We do more than support them while they build their lives. We also show them how we live a certain set of having-a-life options. They might never choose any of those options for themselves, and that’s okay, too. But, among other things, if I’m busy having a life of my own, I can leave them be to develop lives of their own.

That is as it should be.

So, right now, as I embark on the terrifying task of rebuilding my life, I can make it a little less terrifying by reminding myself that I am more than a safety net. I am also a model. And I am beyond blessed because my kids are there for me just as I continue to be there for them.

I don’t really have the time to make a list of all the things about parenting that it make so rewarding but one of the best things about being a parent is that you have kids. If you do your job in such a way that your kids know that you love/like them, then eventually you reach a certain point at which certain aspects of the relationship get to be mutual.

That’s when Momming gets to be more than just rewarding or fulfilling or even fun. That’s when it gets to be amazing.

That’s when Mother’s Day gets to be a family affair. And how kewl is that?

———-

I AM A WOMAN ON THE VERGE

Mothers is our theme for May. Please join in the conversation by joining WomenontheVerge.net, on Twitter @WomenontheVerge, on Facebook or by listening and chatting on our monthly radio show where I am a panelist. Join us for a fun and intriguing conversation on our monthly theme on May 18th from noon-1pm ET on BlogTalkRadio.com/womenontheverge.

Screw April Fools Day! Remember this?

DESIDERATA
(”Desired Things”)

written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –
Not “Found in Old St. Paul’s Church”!

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.