Dawn Is Me

Screw April Fools Day! Remember this?

DESIDERATA
(”Desired Things”)

written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –
Not “Found in Old St. Paul’s Church”!

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

o/~ What are you doing New Year’s,
New Year’s Eve o/~

Speaking personally, I’m doing what I usually do on New Year’s Eve and most of the rest of the year, too: I’m feeding people.

We’ve already had dinner. Right now, there’s an apple pie in the oven. In a little while, I’ll break out the chips and dip and fruits and veggies.

And the holiday punch, too, of course.

Once I’ve spent some time sipping on holiday punch, I’ll be back in here to share my annual sodden musings on 2010, the Year That Was and 2011, the Year That Will Be.

TTYL

—–

LATER

So, I’m still not as drunk as I want to be but that’s probably a good thing.

Looked at objectively, 2010 was a very good year for me in every way except financially.

It was a good year for me in terms of my participation in the state Democratic Party. I participated in my very first nominating convention, which involved no real choice and no suspense whatsoever. But I met a bunch of people and had a lot of fun. That counts for something.

I had a successful run as county coordinator for the Cuomo/Duffy campaign. Cuomo carried Delaware County, which is saying something because this is some pretty red territory here.

I was the recipient of the 2010 Public Policy Award from Women Impacting Public Policy (WIPP), which was a tremendous honor and some great ego fodder. I was also asked to serve another two years on WIPP’s Executive Advisory Board, another tremendous honor.

I successfully persuaded the Executive Committee of the NYS Democratic Rural Conference to appoint me to a vacancy on its Board of Directors.

And I have managed to navigate the mine-field of our stupid Town Supervisor’s stupidity and come out of it with me and my party smelling like a rose.

I have completed my first semester at Hartwick College, which is a bit of a triumph considering that some people advised me not to even apply to a four-year college. They said I should go to a two-year school and then transfer.

Well, I ignored them. I got into Hartwick. And I finished my first semester with a 4.000 GPA. Call me insane but I can’t wait to start my second semester in February.

And, in what was probably the top story of the year for me, I have disentangled myself from the man who was holding be back from so much and who was kicking the crap out of me emotionally for so long. I am divorced. I am free.

With all these spiffy things going well for me, you might be surprised to learn that I am feeling decidedly bummed out as I ring in the New Year.

And actually, it’s no great mystery. I’m lonely.

I’ve been lonely for year but I’m really feeling it these days. There’s a specific set of reasons for that, into which I will not delve at this point. Without going into detail, I’ll just say that it makes me sad.

I’m pretty sure I’ll get over it — and I’d probably get over it sooner if I weren’t imbibing tonight, since it’s well known that alcohol is a depressant and not the best thing to be drinking when you’re already kind of depressed.

I will get over it, fairly soon, I expect. And, in spite of my current fears, I will publicly state that I bet I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve been alone for long enough.

Now that I’m free, I can work on getting the good stuff. In which case, 2011 promises to be a good one.

Happy New Year, everybody!

I am divorced.

I have a couple of things I need to do in order to finalize everything … you know, papers to file and so on and so forth. None of that really matters to me. Fact is that I have a signed judgment of divorce sitting on my desk right now.

That means I’m free. What a relief!

I’ve been living in terror of somebody telling me that there was something terribly wrong with my paperwork (bearing in mind that I prepared the uncontested paperwork by myself, without advice of counsel) and that I was not going to be able to get a divorce for five years or something.

I’ve been afraid that Baker would decide to fight with me about something. In fact, he did end up deciding to fight with me about something, except that I wanted the divorce badly enough that I just pretty much gave him what he wanted.

As matters evolved, there was only one glitch, of which I was notified by mail. And I turned that puppy around so fast, it was back out the door less than 24 hours after it left the judge’s chambers. I wanted no delays.

Now, it’s done.

I feel like I should celebrate somehow but … well, I don’t really have the money to go out or treat myself to anything.

Besides, somehow, it doesn’t feel like “celebrating” when I’m focused on studying for an Art History final.

For the record, in some ways, this is a completely terrifying moment. In anthropological terms, my status in society has changed but without any kind of rite of passage ritual to help me psychologically make the transition.

There are all sorts of rites and rituals involved in getting married, just like there are all sorts of rights and rituals involved in getting born and getting dead and getting finished with school (first high school and then college and then grad school … ).

And, in none of those cases is it even possible to go back to the status you emerged from. You can’t go back to being unborn or undead or even ungraduated.

That makes getting divorced kind of unique among our cultural status changes … unless I’ve missed something. Mostly, it’s just a bunch of paperwork, and filling out forms is a poor substitute for transitional ritual because it doesn’t very rank high in terms of psychological significance, if you catch my drift.

So, more than anything else, my feelings are in limbo at the moment. Or maybe I’m in shock? In denial? All I know is that I have a life to piece together.

I have no idea what that life is going to be like. I don’t know if my days of having male companionship are forever behind me and all the love in my life from now on will come from my kids and my friends. I don’t know whether I will manage to conquer poverty for a second time in my life.

I haven’t really chosen a path, I’ve just stepped off the path I was on.

Que sera, sera.