Dawn Is Me

I haven’t been in here in a long time.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say. It’s just that I’m having trouble making up my mind how much of what I have to say can be said in public.

A lot of things have changed.

As of this writing, Baker is in jail. It came out that he had abused our children — badly enough that it landed him in jail, indicted on 22 charges of varying sorts of endangering a minor and facing a 15-year jail sentence that his attorney bargained him down to.

He’s gone. I have petitioned for and obtained sole custody of my minor children and I have orders of protection where they are needed. I will keep them safe.

We moved out of his house. I now have a home, something I haven’t had for a good three or four years now.

It’s getting better.

I got a part time job at Walmart (something which I am curiously embarrassed about) and I’m still a full-time student. I’m taking 20 credits this semester, which is the maximum allowable and I’m seeing why that is. But, between the job and the school and the kids and the whole single mom thing, I don’t have much time to sit around thinking about how scared and lonely I am.

By the time I get around to really noticing, I might not be scared and lonely anymore. Who knows?

This is where I get to start all over … again. From here, it’s mostly uphill.

Another installation of Konversations with Kimmie, augmented by Revealing Responses by Ricky:

Kimmie (staring across the room): Ricky’s got a lot of definition in his shoulders. (pause) Hey, Ricky, I can see your nipple.

Mom: What does that have to do with the definition in his shoulder?

Ricky: Oh, yeah? Hey, Kimmie! (whips aside his muscle shirt to fully expose the nipple in question)

Mom: Eeeeeee!

Kimmie: Lawl!

Ricky: Wow, Mom!

Kimmie: Take it off, take it all off. (pause) But don’t really.

(It’s not all angst in the life of Dawn Is Me.)

I’ve finally figured it out.

I figured out why my marriage failed.

I’ve known all along that, while it would be really easy to think that Baker is just too neurotic to be married to, it wasn’t all him.

Well, it was but … well, let me explain.

I’m watching him with his fiancee — well, I’m not really. He is keeping that very private and I’m not really interested. But he is also making overtures toward developing some kind of relationship with his youngest son.

Developing a relationship with his youngest son has proved to be an easy thing for him, fortunately. They can speak gamer at each other and play Mafia Wars together. Baker is even encouraging said fiancee to reach out to said youngest son.

So, why was he able to successfully mend his fences with Ricky when he batted out with both his daughters?

If you were to ask him, he would probably tell you that it’s because I turned them against him.

But the real culprit here is … nobody.

Ricky is undemanding. That’s why he can get along with his dad.

Neither Gina nor Kimmie are undemanding. Au contraire, as a matter of fact.

Gina and Kimmie were not okay with him constantly breaking his promises to them.

Gina eventually got disgusted with him for playing stupid power games with her.

Kimmie cannot forgive him for abandoning her when she needed him to protect her.

Gina needed her father to acknowledge that she is a competent adult now, and not a precocious 8-year-old.

Kimmie needed her father to acknowledge that he was wrong about her and that she didn’t deserve how people (including him) were treating her back then.

I could go on but I think you get the point.

Ricky has needs, too. He needs a reasonably decent role model. He is not going to find it in his father. But Ricky doesn’t know that yet and I don’t know if it’s going to matter to him any time soon.

Besides, I expect I can provide him with a few much better role models, so that he has a bit more to work with. Or at least, so that he can make a few comparative studies and have behavioral options.

But that’s why my marriage failed. I am not undemanding, either.

I needed my husband to behave as if I mattered to him.

I needed my husband to behave as if I was attractive to him.

I needed my husband to behave as if he was interested in his offspring.

I’m just unreasonable that way.

It’s probably a good thing for Ricky to have a good relationship with his father and his new wife.

But I can understand why it pisses Kimmie off.