Dawn Is Me

I find that, while I’m usually quite cheerful, I am also profoundly unhappy.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that there are basically two kinds of people in the world.

Some people — I’m beginning to think most people — are passive. They like to sit back and just let life happen to them. Or maybe ‘like’ is the wrong word. People like that seem to me to be frightened, feel helpless and see very little.

Some of them do nothing. Others fill their hours with busy-work that creates the illusion of movement, sort of like running in place.

Then there’s the other set of people, the ones who are active. They have their eyes on a prize of one sort or another and they work hard to overcome the obstacles, including their own fears. Their vision is broad, vast and running in place is incredibly frustrating for them.

I consider myself to be that second sort of person and my problem right now is that I am surrounded by the first sort.

Here’s another discovery I’ve made: when you are the sort of person who is inclined to grab life by the throat and shake it until its teeth rattle, until it kneels abject at your feet humbly giving you all it has to offer …

… it is much easier for passive people to turn themselves into albatrosses around your neck than it is for you to help them grow wings on their feet.

I wonder why that is?

There’s nothing pre-meditated about the folks in my life who are dragging me down. I’m sure they don’t know that they’re doing it. In fact, they probably don’t give me a thought at all. In addition to being fearful and inclined to see themselves as victims, they are also incredibly self-involved. Possibly that comes with the territory.

Unfortunately, I can’t do anything for them. Equally unfortunately, I’ve come to see that I’m going to have to start viewing them as another set of obstacles I need to overcome to get where I want to go.

To tell you the truth, I’m kind of pissed. I’d be a lot more pissed if I thought it was all deliberate.

And anyway, sitting around being pissed is a waste of time. Better to map out a strategy to get around the bumps in the road.

I see now that I can’t take anybody with me to someplace they don’t want to go, even if that place is Nirvana. No, I don’t mean that I’m planning to run away from home. I just mean that I refuse to give up on my dreams, no matter who gets in my way.

When I was 14 years old, I made myself a promise that I would do what I needed to do in my life to make myself happy. I haven’t been keeping that promise. I need to fix that.

And I will.

Somewhere along about now, I should be having a fourth bloggiversary. Although, to tell you the truth, I think I just missed it by a few days.

Which, I suppose, goes to show you how much I care. And that’s a good thing. It kind of indicates that I have a life.

I felt badly for my children when I saw this. Not too badly, because I think wallowing in guilt is a waste of time and because I have plans in the works to fix it.

I am in the midst of a battle. To me, it feels like I’m fighting for my life. I want to say it pays to know who you’re getting married to before you say “I do,” but there are so many ways in which you really just can’t know.

That’s when life challenges you to play the hand you’re dealt. That is, if you choose not to take the easy way out.

More on this later.

Hey, it’s Christmas.

We’ve just finished eating a remarkably Thanksgiving-like dinner; for a set of reasons I’m not going to get into right now, the traditional roast beef and Yorkshire pudding has been postponed until New Year’s.

I have new reading material on this joyful day: An Assault on Reason by Al Gore and The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan. My only problem at the moment is deciding which to read first.

It’s enough to make me wish I had two heads.

The kids made out nicely. I don’t really have the time or inclination to get into every single gift they each got, so I’ll just mention that my favorite was Ricky’s robot bug — mainly because of the entertainment value of watching the cat trying to figure out what to make of it.

That and I’m looking forward to amazing scenic views of amazingly scenic Ithaca, NY, courtesy of Gina’s new digital camera.

I’m tired, of course. It’s one of those obligatory things. When you’re a parent, Christmas makes you tired.

But I’m also happy. We had a better Christmas than we’ve been able to have in quite a few years.

I like to think that bodes well for 2009.