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Don’t it make my brown eyes blue
By Me | December 24, 2006
It’s Christmas Eve and about the only reality it has for me is this: I’ll be glad when it’s over.
That’s not some kind of ‘bah, humbug!’ sentiment on my part. I find myself out of sync with the rest of the country. For me, this holiday does not seem to exist this year.
This year, all the money wound up going into flood repairs on the house, which cost us more than we anticipated partly because there was more stuff wrong than the insurance adjuster could possibly have known about and partly because the insurance company didn’t pay out as much as we had hoped. They only managed to cough up about 75% of what the damages amounted to. The rest came out of our pocket.
What all of that translates to, in real and right-now terms, is that we had no money to buy gifts for the kids. I guess that’s our fault, too, because we’re not quite psychotic enough about this holiday to go take out a loan to cover Christmas gifts. We did warn the kids but I get the feeling that they didn’t believe us. Either that, or they weren’t listening … as usual.
Tonight, twenty-five percent of my children hate me. Fifty percent of them appear to be ignoring me. The other twenty-five percent … well, I can’t really tell.
And I hurt. I’m walking around behaving almost like my normally cheerful self, with this vague but weighty pain in my heart. I don’t even really know exactly what it is. I feel … lonely, friendless, unloved in a house full of people who are my clan, my family. I want to go somewhere and hide.
My brain tells me that’s all nonsense, that I’m being really silly. But my heart still hurts.
I have no gifts to wrap and no offspring delight to anticipate. Tomorrow, I will spend my day cooking (just because we can’t give out presents, there’s no reason why we can’t eat). I will feed them and then … I don’t know. Maybe by tomorrow I’ll feel a little better. I don’t know.
It will all be over soon. I have that to look forward to.
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2 Responses to “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue”
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December 29th, 2006 at 10:52 am
I know how you feel. Dawn. I often feel like a stranger with my own family. Have no kids, and I think that’s part of it too. Especially at Christmas, I would like to have a pack of little rugrats running around, getting high on too much sugar and the thought of Santa Claus. I thought maybe going to church would help, but it wasn’t anything special, either. Blah! Here’s to a much better year in 2007! ((((HUGS))))
January 4th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
No matter what, at the end of the day, your family loves you. However disappointed and let down they may feel in one particular moment, they still kiss you good night, hug your hurt away.
I hope this new year brings all the happiness you and the family deserve.