Friendship and foregiveness

by Me on Jul.06, 2005, under Friends Are Forever

I’m coming to the conclusion that most people don’t know how to make a sincere apology.

I guess that’s because most people seem to have real trouble fully admitting when they’re wrong.

See, to genuinely admit that you’re wrong, that you did something to somebody that you shouldn’t have … you have to make yourself vulnerable, usually to somebody who is justifiably angry with you. That can be pretty scary to do, because you open yourself up to somebody who you could be forgiven for thinking will grind you underfoot.

Being vulnerable can be scary under any circumstances. When you think somebody is going to flatten you like a bug as soon as you open your mouth, letting yourself be vulnerable can also be very, very hard to do.

To counter that, a lot of people try to simultaneously apologize and protect themselves. They’ll apologize but explain why you really shouldn’t be that angry with them. Or they’ll apologize but they’ll act really angry when they do, as if you did something to them.

And then they’ll wonder why their apology isn’t accepted, or why their apology didn’t fix everything.

Personally, I don’t think anybody should say the words “I’m sorry” unless they really are.

No ‘buts,’ no excuses, no defensiveness.

The bottom line is this: if you’re really wrong, if you know that you did something to somebody that was wrong or that really hurt them, then you owe it to them to humble yourself.

But perhaps the most important thing about it is that the only way your friend will be capable of truly forgiving you is if you truly, humbly admit that you’re wrong.

If you won’t fully accept your responsibility for what you did, how can anybody truly believe that you’re sorry. And if they don’t truly believe that you’re sorry, how can they possibly forgive you?

If you can’t convince them that you’re sorry (by being genuine, not by being a really good liar), then they have no reason to believe that you’re not going to do it again.

And, again, how can they possibly forgive you?

Most people aren’t good at that. Offering a real, geniune apology is, in its way, an act of honor and courage.

For anybody who cares about being a good person, it’s worth the effort to get good at it.

6 comments for this entry:

GinaBug
July 6th, 2005 on 10:03 pm
Am I like that Mom???

I know some people who do that, but I don’t know if I do, cause I want to be a good person too.
Me
July 6th, 2005 on 10:11 pm
Well, my sweet life, you do sometimes get angry when you know you’re wrong and are afraid you’re going to get nailed as soon as you admit it.

Some of that is our fault, because we’ve (or some of us -ahem- ) have done that to you before.

But … I know that you are a very strong person. So, if you know you’re wrong, try to have the courage to admit it. If you do that with somebody who can’t be trusted, then you’ll have done the honorable thing and you’ll have learned something. And knowing you’ve done what’s right really does help you sleep better at night … or so I’ve always found.
Leslie
July 7th, 2005 on 11:31 am
I’ve always contended that part of a good apology is an assurance that it won’t happen again. It identifies the heart of the issue and allows everyone to relax. There’s a huge difference between a wrangled, sometimes-forced “’sorry” and a sincere “I’m done. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again…”
Me
July 7th, 2005 on 12:00 pm
That’s very true!

Another important piece of the puzzle is to avoid trying to make your error their fault. As in, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again. I wouldn’t have done it at all if only you hadn’t … ”

Maybe they did, but … a real apology means no excuses.
Steve
July 8th, 2005 on 3:15 pm
I’ve said this before. Just the difference is that I didn’t say it so long. wish people would listen to me too…
Me
July 8th, 2005 on 3:56 pm
Yeah, Steve, I know I’m kinda long-winded. Hazard of being a writer.